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How would you feel if you couldn't visualize or imagine things?
Aphantasia is the inability to visualize. I never knew there was a name for it until I talked with my friend Haylie Chavez one day.
"I was just talking about this guy. I feel like I always create such an image of him in my head. I just am very delusional, and I daydream about us together." She said, "And you just basically told me that you couldn't picture these scenarios that I was picturing with the person I like."
Throughout my daily life, dealing with aphantasia, it affects me during conversational storytelling or educational instances. When it comes to storytelling, that's where having aphantasia is most annoying. When telling a story, some people love to go into great detail. They always start with something like this: I was standing in a corner next to the blue sofa with the crazy colored pillows, and outside it was starting to get dark. And then I'm just there like, can we just get to the point?
I, someone who loves writing many different things, understand that's a big part of storytelling, so I don't blame anyone for doing it. It's just details like that that ultimately don't help me understand the story more.
Now when it comes to school, I've found myself needing written or printed explanations of things so I can actually get the idea of how to do something. Along with that, when starting projects or writing assignments, I like to have examples of how I can start creating my own things.
As far as when I was a kid... I would always try to play imagination with other kids, but I could never see the world how they saw it. No dragons, princesses, far off majestic lands, none of it. Every time I played, I got tired of it fast and went back to what I know best, which is words.
Which is why I feel aphantasia was a part of the reason I fell in love with words. Words for me are how I think. I guess you could even say how I view the world.
Now that I know I'm not alone in how I view the world, I can recognize that everyone views it differently. I'm not weird for something I can't control. There isn't a correct or normal way to visualize things.
One thing I can say is don't let something as small as having aphantasia affect how you live. As I mentioned earlier, I'm interested in writing stories, and I'm following that dream by studying cinema and media studies in college. I didn't let my lack of visualization stop me from letting people get the chance to see my words come to life.
One more thing I want to say is to look for the name of something you think makes you different and you might find why some of your experiences seem unique. When you find that thing, look at it as a gift, not a burden. Aphantasia is my gift and I wouldn't have it any other way.
WYSO Youth Radio is made possible with support from people like you, the Virginia W. Kettering Foundation, and the Ohio Arts Council. It's produced at The Eichelberger Center for Community Voices.
