20-year-old Wesley enjoys classical and pop-rock music, nature walks and relaxing with friends in his apartment. He also enjoys feeling safe.
“I'm in a safe place now. I have so many resources. I'm grown now and I can protect myself," he said.
But for the first 17 years of his life, Wesley grew up in domestic violence. His father abused his mother.
“My dad would put her down, openly say disparaging things about her in her presence and behind her back and in front of me,” recalled Wesley. “On top of that, he put my grandmother down, my sister down, any woman in the room was being put down by my father.”
Wesley described his family as privileged, they are Caucasian, his father is a pastor, his mother holds a master's degree. Yet it did not protect his mother, his younger brother and sister and himself from domestic violence.
His long, slender fingers slightly tremble as he remembers an incident when he was about 12. Friends were visiting and the children were playing outside in the fall leaves. Wesley was trying out his new lasso.
“I hit my father's leg and he said, 'You know, you're going to regret that if you do it again.' And I did it again,” his voice softened as he stared out the window of the room in which we were sitting. “My father proceeded to chase me into the house after that, and he actually took leaves from the leaf pile and put them down my pants. And afterwards he grabbed me up and dunked my head in the fish tank that we had in our kitchen.”
Wesley's fingertips gently brushed his blonde streaked brown hair as he admitted, he can't remember whether or not he hit his father's leg on purpose. However, he recalled none of his parent's adult friends did or said anything to stop the attack.
“I think the reason is because abusers surround themselves with people that are bystanders and will not say anything or their behavior is so outlandish and surprising to people that they don't know how to react.”
But Wesley also has tender, boyhood memories of his father coming home from coaching or volunteering with a community group and playing 'trains' with him.
“I had those wooden train sets that you would put together and run the little magnetic train cars around on. I would put a whole big set together and wait for him to come home so he could run the trains around,” a smile crossed Wesley's face as the memory plays out in his mind. “People who are abusive to their kids are typically not outwardly big, bad monsters. And he wasn't always like that,” Wesley defended. “You care about this person and when you're in domestic violence, you care about the person that's abusing you oftentimes.”
Who can you turn to?
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in the U.S., an average of 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. Meanwhile, the U.S. Department of Justice reports almost one in ten American children have seen one family member assault another family member.
The Artemis Center collaborates with various community groups to connect survivors of domestic violence and intimate partner violence with vital services. Jean Keefer is the executive director.
“I always ask when I do presentations, ‘Who here has been hit on a first date?’ No one. So we know it's a gradual experience that happens in relationships. And so by the time you recognize it, ‘I'm married,’ ‘I'm pregnant,’ or ‘I moved in with you and it makes it even harder to leave,’ ” mapped out Keefer, who brings decades of social work and therapy experience to this arena. She pointed out it can take a person up to seven attempts before they actually follow through and leave their abuser.
Artemis also staffs a 24/7 hotline fielding calls from across the Dayton Metropolitan area. In 2021, more than 7,300 calls came in-- an increase of more than 1,200 from the year before. As well as a web chat feature on their website. This enables some survivors to safely and quietly connect and get help.
“We sometimes have survivors who can't talk on the phone but who can act like their doing homework or just playing on their computer and they'll chat with us. And it absolutely helps individuals who are deaf,” explained Keefer.
But if you live outside of the city, getting help is more difficult.
YWCA Rural Advocate — Miranda Armstead — manages a shelter in Preble County. She said living in a rural community means less access to vital resources that can help a person safely escape abuse, such as family services, substance treatment and mental health therapy.
“We really have to focus on creating relationships with other organizations that may be in Dayton or in other surrounding areas so we can make sure our clients get the best we can give them," Armstead said.
Meanwhile, experts say domestic violence is a learned behavior, passed down from generation to generation.
“Children who witness violence sometimes repeat the violence,” Keefer said. “That's why our child therapy program is so important to help break the cycle, to help children understand there's different ways of coping.”
Breaking the cycle
The years of his father's abuse briefly altered Wesley's behavior toward women.
“I do recall speaking down to my grandmother one time, and saying sarcastic put downs and it would be typically women those would be directed towards,” Wesley said. “The only reason I was comfortable putting down a woman was because I was taught women had less value, that they were subjects.”
But he credits a few close friends to alerting him to his poor behavior. “I think it only took two or three times of a friend to saying, to be frank, that's 'wrong' of you to say that. It made me really look at the way I'm was talking to people and it takes a lot of time to deconstruct that.”
Wesley's parents finally divorced when he was 17.
Today, he's a junior at the University of Cincinnati majoring in social work. He's also a domestic violence advocate at Artemis helping others tangled in this chaos.
Proudly, Wesley said he has established strict boundaries when interacting with his father and he's committed to breaking his family's curse of domestic violence.
“I personally don't think I will become an abuser because of how much work I've done to educate myself on domestic violence, on mental health disorders, on community based occurrences of violence,” he confidently straightened his slender 6'5” body frame. “I think it's constant learning that prevents that cycle from continuing”
If you feel threatened in any relationship, call the 24-hour Domestic Violence Hotline, 937-461-4357.
